Aug. 21, 2002 - 20:16 MDT

THE WONDERING JEW

Near The Line

I guess the funniest things are those which are close to the true state of affairs now. Often not very well liked by those who are entrenched in the Juggernaut of Corporate Political Correctness.

I read this the other day and will take the liberty of writing it out. Sort of a Friday Five - expanded to a bunch on Wednesday.

NEW RULES FOR EMPLOYEES

SICK DAYS

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS

Each empolyee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS

All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: January 1, July 4 and December 25.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH

This will be accepted as an excuse. However we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose naes begins with "B" will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK

Skinny peope get an hour for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drin a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

DRESS CODE

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada shoes and carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week

Management

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++Memories stir in my aged mind. For awhile in one place I worked our supervisors did potty patrol, they would look at their watches when someone headed to the restroom and would head over to it if more than five minutes had elapsed without the reappearance of the employee. Then word came down that the corporation was going to install microphones and tv cameras in the restrooms. Caused quite a bit of uproar, that did. And after while the supers got tired of the extra exercise of having to trot to the restroom.

I remember how being a member of the BIG Team was emphasized also being a member of the corporate family was supposed to be a morale builder. Funny thing though, we all turned into thieves, bums and dissolute free loaders when contract negotiations came close.

We have recently seen how the practice of encouraging employees to buy stock in the corporation as a matter of loyalty and supposed growth in value of the stock. Yeah, riiight ! The little peon never got the word to unload their stock before the downhill slide began. In most cases the ability to sell off their stock was very limited.

In recent years we have seen some of the biggies selling themselves off piece by piece. The buyers of course usually refuse to honor the union or their contracts. Bring in part time employees and hire temporary help. Also shipping off work to foreign lands. While the thinner biggies lay people off.

So the foregoing joke does address some of the existing corporate philosophy.

The joke is not over the edge, but Near The Line . . . . . . .

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