2000-04-13 - 20:44:12

April 13,2000

Preponderance of Ponderations

I follow the journals and forums of Beth @ xeney and Al's "Nova Notes." and make my own nonsensical contributions from time to time.

Most people making entries to the different forum questions and subjects come out with very common sense opinions, personal and or public. After reading them for almost a year now, I think the separation between the "good guys" and the "quibbling troublemakers" is obvious, at least to me. The "good guys" (generic - uni-sex) seem to be honest, sincere and so very open about themselves that I am frequently amazed even now.

My entry by reading the diary/journal entries and answers to questions, led me to start thinking deeply about myself. It made wonder what this psyche is made of.

As near as I can tell, most of us who activly participate have lived through our own personal trials and tragedies but have also sought knowledge of other's sufferings and joys and their philosophy.

Through web acquaintance with these people and receiving encouragement from them I ventured into the world of private thoughts displayed to the curious world and started my diary. It was hard for me to bare my entrails for all the world to see. But, if I am talking to myself in MY diary how can I do otherwise?

Since 1987 I have been on anti-depressant medication. From time to time I would try to wean myself from them, but after a short time would recognize the unreality of the world around me and then resume meds probably forever. Also I have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) which makes winter horrible. With the medication, I survive.

Since I received a Webtv as a present last year I discovered all that is available on the Net to me. Life has truly become very interesting to me. I found out how miserably bored I was with most TV fare. Now I watch the fun things, the independants, the foreign sub-titled and what I want to see on PBS. Very seldom do I watch the news, as the newspaper is much more satisfactory and informative. One of the main likeable features of the newspapers is if you miss or think you miss something in an article or need clarification, it is possible to turn back a page or paragraph and re-read it, can't do that with a TV. It really floored me to realize how much extra time I have to be a companion to Heather and also have time to be on the net.

Now to carry on from the, "Since I" it has become possible to increase my acceptance of the differences and realities of this world - - - - and all the great people in it. My refreshed ability to calmly reason that, "different strokes" also applied to me and that I wasn't so damned unique after all. My understanding of things has greatly improved and grown. The almost euphoric feeling of being at one with mankind is a miracle for this wizened old man. Life is fun, life is good to have and so is Love and Laughter. All of the foregoing has enabled me to love and appreciate my own family even more than ever.

Many things in the forum are trifling, but fun and entertaining never-the-less, but some lead to deeper cogitation and possibly changing or modifying of my opinions

Bits and pieces of this have been mentioned by me, probably to different people at different times and in reply to forum subjects. I know that some of my deepest thinking and revealing thoughts have been entered into either Al's Forum or Beth's. Many people are my mentors also, the main ones know and I hope feel my gratitude for their guidance and friendship. Many others probably do not know I am here and reading what they have to say. I am learning from all.

With me, calendar age doesn't seem to matter. The ideas, philosophies and original and new ways to look at things have no bearing on the calendar but on maturity of thought. In a lot of cases it lets me see the world through young eyes.

Also it has given me the priviledge of travelling paths of old memories which are like the scent of Mom's perfume when we open the Memory Chest. Some things are the troubled, twisting, churning of bad times, but preponderantly joyful and good experiences.

I have an entry to make soon, which is not shameful but heartrending to me and yet hard to talk about. But enough good examples of shared suffering have passed befpre my eyes now, ht I know I will be able to get into it soon.

Some of the things I have brought up in the forums, my diary and e-mails have dealt with one or another here-to-fore secret things in my life, and he relief of knowing there are kind, loving and accepting ears to hear my wails, is pure ambrosia.

But I am no actor putting on a show or making a plea for pity but someone trying to deal with himself and at times forgive himself. Really, I am learning. And finding people to give "agape" love.

every day John Donne, that wonderful preacher gives me the magical and great words that begin, "No man is an island entire of itself . . . . .

Blog