Jul. 30, 2002 - 23:29 MDT

THE WONDERING JEW

Am I ?

I seem to be in a melancholy, mellow mood tonight after going to see Heather's brother and take him to Walmart today, I guess that is what put me into this mood. I can see that the inevitable happens, sometimes sooner and sometimes later but eventually it does.

I have another brother-in-law who is approaching ninety years of age who lives in a nursing home where his wife does. She is in the final stages of Alzheimer's and he is swinging a bit loose now. Somewhat like one could say rootless, missing his tools he can no longer use and the lack of money he can no longer spend. Sometimes teetering on the belief that his wife is dead and buried and other times fretting that the nurses won't let him in her ward to sit with her. Privately the nurses tell us that he doesn't seem to remember visiting her and he tells us his youngest son (a middle aged man) doesn't come to see him but we know and have seen evidence he visits his Dad.

I can see myself at the same stage of life, maybe tomorrow, who knows ? Querulous a times along with some confusion, joints not quite doing what he wants them to do, losing his glasses and other minor possessions. If I am lucky I might live that long and be that functional but I see myself approaching that state, fight it as I may.

The brother-in-law of mine that we took to Walmart today who is my age, diabetic and wearing a pacemaker, he lost his wife around a year ago is hanging on at his house yet. He seems to acknowledge to himself more or less that he will eventually be in a nursing home. He is getting meals on wheels, so has that daily contact with other human beings. Heather and I go over at least one day on the weekend to see him and usually once during the week to take him shopping for groceries. There too, I can see myself, trying to cope with the reality of my condition and abilities. His son comes over and does his bills for him. He is getting a little paranoid now, when we brought him home from Walmart today he unlocked the door, stepped inside and made the remark that, "Someone has been inside while we were gone." He seems to be getting to the point of needing to be taken care of more than family is capable of. But we want him to be in his home as long as he can and wants to be.

So here am I, creaky, cranky and set in my ways knowing that Heather and I bolster each other against the world. What I can't do she does, what she can't do I take care of. But we are aging 365 days each year, no way of getting around that. What I would or could do if she would be taken I am not sure.

Both of us do have a thing or two going for us, one is constant contact with our children which neither of them have. Don't exactly understand why the ties between them and their children aren't tighter. Well maybe I do, I think that their kids and their Dads had never really been in the intimate communication that they had with their Mothers. Maybe naturally so as the men worked a good part of each day.

Neither of them play cards of any kind, not even solitaire, don't read newspapers or books, don't really want to make new friends or seek new interests.

I remember an aunt of mine who lost her husband when he was in his seventies criss crossing the country visiting her kids until she was in her nineties. Very involved with her kids right up until her death. She was like a cork floating in a stream, just kept bobbing along. Never lost interest or got depressed. Just kept going.

It is possible that I will be using a walker sometime, but am doing what I can to avoid getting to that point. But I can still see some of myself in my brothers-in-law. Misplacing stuff, and having to check my accounts closely in order to correct my stupid mistakes. My interest in the events of my present day world and the consequences thereof are still of deep interest to me, I still like to play 500 Rummy, Scrabble, Upword and things like that, even chess when ever some of my younger relatives are willing to sit down long enough to play a game. Crossword puzzles are a hobby of mine too. And there is my love of reading books, I pray my sight stays with me enough for me to read. When ever I can corner one or another of my kids in a quiet place where I can hear them we talk with enjoyment on both sides (or are they just humoring an old man ?). I guess if I ever got put in a place that I couldn't have my Webtv I would have to find something else to do. Losing contact with my net friends would be a foul blow, being able to vicarously participate in their lives through their journals and e-mailing back and forth with them. It would be a severe deprivation of human contact for me. But I think it is quite possible for me to find something deeply interesting to do to keep my mind afloat rather than going apathetic. Probably wouldn't have the deep enjoyment that swinging from strand to strand of the net does.

I'm not just fooling myself Am I ? . . . . . . . . . .

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