Feb. 23, 2002 - 21:54 MST

THE WONDERING JEW

Fall Back Five

It seems to me that we are a nation of people who are busy trying to find something that hurts our feelings and then go on at great length about it.

I remember not too long ago here in Denver we had a traditional Columbus Day parade. Once we did. Then The Indians attacked the circled wagons of people of Italian descent and tried to shut down the parade. There was much discussion and a deal of bickering between both sides. I am not sure of where that stands now, I lost track.

Now, what if the Indian (American) types came up with the money and necessary permits and decided to hold a Geronimo Day or Sacawagea Day parade or some such ? What would our typical Anglo derived Redneck do to protest that ? Oops, I just put my foot in the water bucket didn't I ?

Restate that again please you dummy. Okay, let me see, to be politically correct I can't mention Anglo, Indian, Italian and oh my great leaping lizards the most discriminated people in the world the Rednecks. Then the discussion would be put forth as there is a parade here in Denver (or is that a bad word now ?) once a year to celebrate a day to honor an explorer from Europe who discovered America, which was already occupied by, oh despised word, savages.

Okay, that kind of discussion has been barred by all sides because no one is allowed to call a spade a shovel but is required to refer to it as an implement for moving dirt. South Denver High School which I attended periodically, being South High gave itself the name The Rebels, hoo boy, wonder what they call it now ? Is the team once known as the Cleveland Indians still known by that name ? Has the tomahawk chop been made so illegal that it gives a life in prison sentence, where in the pecking order are the Cheeseheads ? ?

Everyone wants to get into the act. There was dissension here in town about the yearly Martin Luther King Day parade. So now I guess that every parade to honor anybody, just anybody will bring out a rabble of objectors and to my mind that is what they are. Are the footballers once known as the Lions still being called lions or Kitty, Kitty ?

There is and has been sin enough committed by all sides since the beginning of time that anything honoring a man or a group, as long as it is civil, is a step ahead. My view is that maybe Jeffry Dahmer shouldn't have a day named after him nor should there be a parade in his honor. But then again some groups of concerned citizens might fight with each other about even that.

What brought this all about here ? An article by a Denver humorist called Woody Paige, whose article on satire entitled, "Twain and Juvenal would be hanged." In it he observes that satire is dead here, or seemingly so. He cites several instances, whether real or imagined where satire is put down. He says that of the Summer Olympics in Australia two years ago he wrote, "The US won its first gold medal yesterday. It was in a shooting event. How appropriate. Shooting is, after all, our national sport. We could win more medals at the Olympics if more shooting events were added like The Five Hundred Meter Drive By." He further says "The National Rifle Association got upset. You don't want to mess with the NRA. They've got guns. I was wrong."

He then with tongue in cheek says he has come up with a list of 26 places where the exercize of satire could possibly be allowed. About Bin Laden -- skunks -- states that do not have a college or professional football team -- politicians who are not Democrats or Republicans or members of any other party. It goes on for twenty one more acceptable targets for satire.

I wonder what my sentence would be if I should say of any deliberative body such as a congressional group wherein they were hotly debating just any old subject and in the heat of the fracas someone suggested that they send out for a brain to share between themselves. How long would I have to spend in the slammer for that ? ? ? What is the penalty for saying, "Yaaa, your Mother wears tennis shoes ?" on that one, in this present day there is really no slur or satire because most everybody's Mom now wears tennis shoes. Combat boots is another biggie, I can see an association of Moms fighting tooth and nail against our armed forces over that.

I guess that I shall give up being a satirist or rather attempting that dangerous way of life. Maybe I should give a mite of consideration and Fall Back Five . . . . . . . .

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