Dec. 02, 2001 - 19:39 MST

THE WONDERING JEW

A Horny What ?

Once, on a sweaty vacation trip returning from Denver to Tampa, Florida in our Plymouth Suburban with four fussy kids, not enough time or enough money do the fancy, our trip would get tedious. The usual, "How long before we get home Dad ?" stuff. Uncomfortable kids at night trying to sleep all cramped up.

We had, from experience the SOP perfected. I would stop in a town spotting a gas station next door or across the street from a supermarket grocery store. I'd pull in Heather would jump out, make her quick pit stop and head to the store, the kids would hop out and make for the restrooms too. I would ask to have the tank filled and the oil checked knowing that the windshield would be cleaned too and head for the restroom as one or another of the kids returned, I would come from the restroom and while paying the attendant Heather would be coming from the store with eatables and drinkables for the next few meals to be consumed on the road, groceries handed to the kids in back and Heather and I would get in the car. Doors slammed and we would zorch off for the next big town. Rinse and repeat 'til we got to our destination. It was a drive straight through with Heather and I spelling each other at the wheel. I was young enough then to be able to do that.

This one trip was different though. Our oldest son had caught a Horny Toad in a dry, sandy area near Grandma's house and wanted to take the Horny Toad home. We scrounged a big work shoe box and we were off. None of us knew what a Horny Toad ate, so the shoe box had a little cup of water and lettuce leaves. Son was up front between Heather and I with his Zoological specimen of pre-history on his lap. There was not much unrest on the way home as the Toad was the focal point of the kids interest. They would lean acoss from the back and watch the creature and talk about the denizen of the dust. Time passed rather pleasantly because of it.

What is burned into my memory is the last leg of the trip. Hot Florida sun, sandy eyes, seeming as if the bottom of my pelvis had rubbed off to the bone and the bone on cement. Driving, sitting on first one bun and then the other and needing sleep soon. On that last afternoon the female Horny Toad (Yeah, female as it proved out) proceeded to give birth to about a zillion tiny, spidery offspring. It was surreal watching the little dragons milling around in the box, keeping an eye out ahead, being uncomfortable on a sore bottom. Trying to answer the little kids questions about the birthing process of Horny Toads without knowing much more than they did. It is much more of a hoot looking back than it was living it.

Back at home the Toad was named and watched over for quite some time but somehow the toad's box was knocked over and it got out of the house. A search was mounted amid great youthful excitement but the stranger was gone. She must have taken her brood with her as well, none of them could be found either. Before we left Tampa to go back home to Denver there were reports of strange looking toads wandering around near where we had lived.

It was before the time of, "The Beverly Hillbillies," but I had that Jed Clampett feeling on that trip. Now every time I start my story, the first thing said by listeners is, "A Horny What ?" . . . . . . . .

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