2001-06-29 - 23:57 MDT

THE WONDERING JEW

Death Watch

No past good memories tonight, they will not come when sought.

The title shows how my memories are tonight. The many weeks we spent at our daughter's side when she was in a coma, not sure if it was a death watch, but prepared for the eventuality. The times we visited my Stepmother when we knew she was terminal and trying to keep her company. There was one we didn't know we were on, the surgeon came out and told us that my Grandmother was so full of cancer that she wouldn't last much longer and then he went into great detail telling us how to care for her when we brought her home. It was late, we went home after that. I couldn't sleep that night, tossed and turned. When I checked the hospital early in the morning I was asked to come in and found out she had just expired a few minutes before I called. An unwitting death watch but, one none the less.

My worry tonight is not for my Sister-in-law in a coma in the hospital, it is her husband and his Sister, Heather who I worry about. My brother- in-law is my age (80), a diabetic wearing a pacemaker and going feeble about like I am. He always has been a Silent Sam type and how he feels comes out in his eyes and the few words he says run through our interpretation of how we know him.

One of her sons is coming in from California, due in tomorrow morning. I expect then her family will gather around and face the big decision of continuing life support or not. Her surgeon has grave doubts about her survival as a sentient person if she lives.

Then the decisions will come fast and heavy and their kids will have to help on this, if she survives it is obvious to us that her husband won't be able to care for her at home and if she dies, Heather and I have doubts that he by himself will be able to care for himself.

Heather loves our Sister-in-law, and her brother deeply, as do I. One way or another his life has changed forever, which ever way things go. We saw my dad after his second wife died, Heather's dad after Heather's Mom died, as well as knowing others who lost a mate or were caring for one who was helpless, eventually losing their mate.

With even more emphasis, what I said a month ago or so shows its impact, I said sadly to Heather, "The old cannot take care of the old." There is no way we could take care of the two of them or even one of them. Like many other old folks it seems to take all of our time just surviving. I know that Heather and I would take them in if no one else would, certainly, and do the best we could. But we also know that we could not do them the justice they deserve.

I am not sure that I am even making sense to myself tonight, I'll try to proof read and edit. I guess I am tryng to sort things out for myself and not having much real luck at it.

We go through life snatching what happiness and love that we can, enjoyment of the good things as we go on our way. I guess one way of looking at things, whether it is a short time or years passing there will probably be one for others or for ourself --- the Death Watch . . . . .

Blog