Dec. 02, 2006 - 19:07 MST

'SIN THE BOOK

A columnist at The Rocky Mountain News, Mary Winter is a woman of humor, "good," I might add. Her column today is one that had me in stitches today. Herewith, quoted in full:

CATALOGS SOLVE PROBLEMS YOU DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD

"I won't stand in a line outside a store at 6 a.m. the day after Thanksgiving."

"Nor will I participate in "Cyber Monday," online shoppers equivalent of Black Friday, when people go to the office and order gifts over the Internet."

"I do my share of personal, nonbusiness stuff at work, but shopping?" That's like setting up your ironing board at a Rockies game."

"It's just wrong."

"But I am a fan of catalogs, which I seem to get more of every year."

"The appeal of a marathon day at the mall has long since faded, but catalogs are as entertaining as a three-ring-circus."

"On occasion, my husband and I are reduced to tears, imagining the poor schlub charged with writing a compelling copy block for the "festive coffee scoop that doubles as a bag clamp" and other gadgets the catalog company couldn't give away any time of year but Christmas."

"Below, a seasonal sampler:

##"Popcorn. The Popcorn Factory has packaged this humble exploded seed so many ways it needs 47 pages to display them all. Consider the 12-Tier Holly Tartan Towers, the Holiday Topiary DeLuxe Sampler, the Dancing Snowflakes Tin & Tower, and the popular Hanukkah Nut Quartet.

My favorite is the Peace on Earth Popcorn Tin, accompanied by this message: "The first step toward world peace is bringing people together. And what better way is there than to share sweet and savory treats ?"

"Who knew ? We could have wrapped up the Hundred Years War in three days with Orville Redenbacher on our side."

##"The Black Alligator Doggie Bag, imported, featured on the cover of Ralph Lauren's Holiday 2006 catalog. If you gotta ask, you can't afford it. But you'd be in the ballpark at $18,000.

I'm really tempted on this one. But I think I'll save up for a hip replacement instead."

##"The Sno-Baller. For people who want their snowballs to look like something from Martha Stewart's kitchen.

The gadget resembles kitchen tongs with rounded cups on the business end.

"Say bye-bye to lumpy, icy snowballs and soggy mittens. This plastic tool lightly packs snow into perfect orbs that fly far and explode spectacularly on contact." Set of two for $19 from Restoration Hardware.

The problem with this concept is that it overlooks the very thing that makes a snowball fight fun, and that's spontaniety.

Scoop snow, pack tight, throw hard, squeal with glee as you nail your little brother in the butt.

Now imagine that same scenario with our new Sno-Baller:

You: "I think it's time for a snowball fight."

Me: "Yes, lets go get our Sno-Ballers."

You: "I'll prepare a dozen snowballs and call you when they're ready."

Me: "Are we having fun yet ?"

##"Snowman Kit. "Everything you need to dress Frosty in his finest, except the snow." Includes coal, carrot, buttons and pipe, all made of wood and mounted on skewers. $14, Restoration Hardware.

Correct me if I'm wrong. The fun in making a snowman or woman or dog is individualizing it, going to the garage and finding a few charcoal briquettes left over from two summers ago and scrounging around for a ratty hat and dated sunglasses.

Snowman kit ?

Perfect for the plastic surgeon on your list."

##"The Carbib. This $15.95 water-resistant polyester/cotton twill with soil-release finish bib from Solutions may look like an ordinary kitchen apron, but ton't be fooled. This is a special apron designed exclusively for people who eat in their cars.

"This 'apron' covers your upper body and lap, directing any spills and crumbs to the floor for easy cleanup"

Additionally, "A front pocket keeps fries or cell phones accessible."

If you're like me, you saw the Carbib and thought to yourself: "Darn ! All those times I traveled I-25 with one hand on the wheel and the other wrapped around a big, juicy slice of watermelon . . . .What I wouldn't have given to have known about this product years ago."

"That's why I stay current with my catalogs now."

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Maybe it is because Mary Winter and I have a similar sense of humor and way of looking at the world around us, but her columns are causes for hilarious outpourings of laughter.

We get many catalogs in our mail too, and on gray days when the comics in the newspaper aren't quite enough to bring me out of the doldrums of sleep and the bad news in the paper, I will pick up one of the catalogs and let my imagination run riot. Finding first one thing and then another that are the epitome of uselessness, except for the cash register of the seller. Take away the hype printed in the pages and you have little of real value. Every now and then I can find something of use, then have to consider the price, probable quality, shipping charges and the wait for delivery and finally decide to get it locally, where I can heft it in my hand, look it over and maybe make a somewhat intelligent decision.

So, whether it is a search for some concrete thing or a hunt for humor, easy as pie it is, 'SIN THE BOOK . . . . . . . . . . . .

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