2001-01-07 - 20:43 MST

January 7, 2001

Adage

From Bastion's Book, "Never agree to do someone a favor without knowing what it is," even if it is your life partner.

Heather was on her way out the door and said, "Will you do me three little favors while I am out ?" I said, "Sure, what do you want me to do?" "Call X & Co and find out what they will charge to do Y, then call Doobie's and find out where we need to go to pick up Z, after that call the phone company and get them straight on our bill." My heart sank as I knew that I would be battling the bureaus of obfuscation and befuddlement. Each place, about the same routine. First the line is busy, after while when connected a menu must be listened to and sense made of their peculiar idiom -- sometimes it takes a two time run through that one before I can determine what button I want to push. With forboding I stab one of the damn buttons, immediately I am forced to listen to some kind of spiel, whether I want to or not. Pretty soon another electronic voice makes excuses for the delay, then back to the tired rigamarole just listened to. Then one of two things will happen, a ring and then a connection and the smug, smarty voice opens up and says, "Sorry, I am away from my desk for a bit, please record your message after the tone and I will get back with you." -- yeah, right, never happen. Once just once I was called back two days later, when the person identified himself, I told him, "Oh, yeah we desperately needed some information from your department, and when you didn't call back we just had to cut grandpa's leg off at the knee. Read the letter I sent to your upper management." Heh The other thing that can happen and often does is listening to all these voices mouthing inanities, repetitously and apologizing for my wait. Finally a real live body will answer the phone and after hearing my questions, that real live body will kill the conversation dead by saying, "We don't handle that here, you'll have to call our installation across town to get that information." Been there, done that. "Uh, before you hang up please give me the phone number over there and the extension," grudgingly garbled sound emerges. Finally the person gets the idea they are not speaking plainly and after three more queries will actually give out the number and extension.

Time to refill my coffee cup and back at it again. I dial the number and get another electronic marvel saying, "If you know the extension number put it in now." I put in the extension number, hear a connection being made and then the usual litany of sales talks and excuses over and over again. Then I have to listen to another menu and try to figure out which button is the one I need to push. No item on any menu I ever heard has even a remote bearing on what I am trying to deal with. After a long wait someone answers and you pop the question to the person, and a short pause occupies the pipeline. Then the answerer comes back on the line, "Mr. Groper can tell you that, he will be back from vacation in two weeks," smugly said of course. Desperately trying to hold on to the only live body able to speak in a common language, I will ask such things as, "Isn't there someone there who can give me the answer, or, who do I have to call at your headquarters to get the information I need and can you give me the number and extension I have to call to register a very nasty complaint about the service you all are giving me." Usually I get a quick hang up, because those sneaky Petes know that no one, absolutely no one will try calling through the second time that day.

Any more it is impossible to connect with anyone of intelligence and be directed. Oh, God for one of those good old Lily Tomlin switchboard operators. I swear, they could read my mind and hook me up with the person or department I needed. If that didn't give the desired results calling a second time and telling the operator that that line of attack wasn't working, she might ask a question or two and then put me where I needed to be. Often one can tell a switchboard operator, "What I need to say will take a little time to explain so if you need to answer other lines in between, I will understand." Many times they would have the patience to hear me out and figure out just who I needed to talk to and connect me.

Trying to conduct business over a telephone is about as fruitful as planting a plant upside down with its roots in the air.

After a day of frustrating listening to menus and punching buttons, this punch drunk guy resolves to never agree to a favor before he finds out what it is.

So in today's world even, "Don't ask, don't tell," has any meaning or method. Seems as if all these big outfits who can afford those little black boxes have enabled organizations to divorce themselves from pee the weople. The biggies can sit back in their executive loungers and think of how much money they have saved by cutting the lines of communication and avoiding troublesome questions. One question, double barreled, that is, How do they ever sell anything and how do they arrange to service their product if no one can connect with an intelligent person ? ? ?

So, I think I will live by my adage . . . . . . .

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