2000-11-02 - 20:01 MST

November 2, 2000

Those Who Left

It is very hard for me to write tonight. Dreaming Among the Jade Leaves creator is no more. Such artistry from one who was so tortured. There is a lady here in Denver who says what I feel Meridith I guess it is easy for someone like me who didn't know the lady to mourn. But I do sorrow, the world is less one more good person I couldn't help because I didn't know her or know how wounded she was.

Her husband wrote the most beautiful farewell to her Last Entry It tells of a dedicated, loving man's effort to lend love and support to the lady of his heart.

I got a glimpse somewhere, of something about someone else comitting suicide, one of the journalling community also. We know what each person putting their fingers to the keyboard tells us -- that is all. We may guess and think we are reading between the lines, but sometimes sadness, torture and distress are hidden and held close to eat away the innards of the person who writes.

I am one of those who when he stubs a toe will put out a string of expletives, who moans when in pain, who crys when sad and asks, "Why ?" How can this be ? And, I wonder, how many of us are there who are trying to commit suicide, unaware of our real intentions ? Who are so bored, sad, discontented and disgusted that we stuff our gullet, smoke all the cigarettes we can, drink as much alcohol as we can soak up and take weird, dangerous risks in the name of fun and adventure when in reality it is a hidden death wish ?

In a similar vein, there is a man on the eastern seaboard who recounts his day and ponders and expresses himself so well Jaeme go to "current" 11/1 entry. He presents his experience and his thoughts that maybe more of us should emulate. He did not do the "holier than thou," bit, with that down and out person nor attempt to try to get her to her change her ways he just tried to help out someone who could in a different world or time have been him. There is one thing that he says similar to, "somone drifting into addiction unintentionally" -- which is what I did, so it "tolled the bell" for me. I think it is something that few people pause to consider, the fact that someday without deliberate intent they could become addicted to the extent that their life could be in danger. Jaeme puts things in words so much better than I -- and his words resound with the poignant, harmonics that always accompany his writing.

My days are filled with happiness and contentedness with minor niggling things to bug me a bit, but in the main I am comfortable, but I also see the homeless, the shuffling drunk in raggedy clothes, maybe a man who has suffered the, "stretched to the breaking point," stress from his service in Vietnam. The bedraggled woman with small kids trailing, making her way to the shelter and wonder what her future will be and what the future holds for her kids.

So, in a contrite mood and not able to be of concrete help -- all I can do is mourn for "Those Who Left."

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