Oct. 16, 2005 - 19:50 MDT

THOUGHTFUL

The thing I like about columns such as the following that Betsy Hart of the Scripps Howard News Service writes, they give me lots of room to think and perhaps, in the end, agree. In full:

CARING FOR OTHERS KEEPS US GOING LONGER

"OK, fellas, here's another reason to pitch in around the house and particularly with the kids: Studies on 10 different primate species, including humans, show that the "spouse" primarily responsible for taking care of offspring lives longer."

"This is true regardless of gender. So, the study from researchers at California Institute of Technology says, the "Titi monkey males of South America, for example, which take care of the baby after the mother has given birth, outlive their mates by 20 percent. . . . ." Lead researcher John Allman said that if there is a difference in role, "the sex doing the bulk of the care is likely to survive longer." Interestingly, in the gorilla population, the life-span advantage females over males is not so significant. Why ? "Male gorillas play with their offspring and take on certain other nurturing duties." The researchers hypothesize that one reason for all this is that raising a primate takes such intense time, attention and energy that, over time, "the sex not caring for the infants will not be as crucial for the survival of the species."

"That seems like a bit of a Darwinian stretch. Besides, hunting and gathering to feed that baby -- so Mom can (more typically) nurture it seems like a darn important job to me, whether it's in the jungles of South America -- or Manhattan."

"What really strikes me from this study (it's actually a few years old -- but I just came across it) is how much sense it makes that being connected to and personally responsible for other living things causes us to live longer. The sheer act of giving, of being tied to something other than ourselves, so that our world ils not "all about me" -- while incredibly hard at times -- is good for us ! And, in fact, the researchers also found that "there's evidence that greater longevity can also coincide with the taking care of an elderly parent or even a pet."

"I see the findings from this study cutting two ways for our culture."

"On the one hand, I see dads, for instance, evermore involved in directly taking care of their kids -- and that's apparently good for dad and child."

"But in other aspects, it just seems that more and more folks are willing to ask" "But what's in it for me ?" And so, for instance, I think even when it comes to caring for kids, too many parents idloize their children -- almost it seems, wanting something from them in the form their accomplishments and achievements. Or they are spending so much time pursuing the golden ring of achievement themselves so they can give their kids stuff (and be liked in return) that they don't give their kids what they really need: time. And an effort to reach their child's heart -- not just an effort to get the child to Harvard."

"Consider that today we have a culture more than ready to regularly do what was once unthinkable: justify the end of a marriage by saying, "Well, you know, I mean if her needs weren't being met at the moment, it was OK to move on . . . ." But what about her responsibility to seek to meet her spouse's and family's needs, even if hers weren't being "met" at the moment ? It should be no surprise at all that record numbers of so-called "twixters" -- are those who are ages 22 to 28 or so -- are living at home with their parents -- typically on the parents' dime while the "kids" buy themselves whatever luxury goods they want. Time magazine ran a major story recently on twixters, and over and over again these young people told the publication that they didn't want responsibilities to others at the moment."

"Will they ever ? And is a culture that allows these young adults to remain so disconnected from their communities and responsibilities to others a healthy one ? It would appear that -- at least according to this study -- the answer is no."

"Other primates can't choose to do what is right. What makes us human is precisely that we can. Yes, we still have wonderfully long and ever-growing life spans today, even in a culture that, it seems, is ever more "me" oriented. I just fear that in our culture we are moving toward longer life -- with a decreasing quality of it."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

In times of yore, bachelors and even hermits lived lives of their own, answering to nobody but the law and living off to themselves. Farmers perhaps, or those employees all but invisible to the outside world who only wished to be apart from humanity and the world.

But Ms. Hart seems to be talking about kids who stay at home, help not, neither by work nor by financial support. I remember seeing a few of that type who were attending university where my son-in-law teaches. They are financed by their folks, their tuition paid for by their folks -- while seemingly the kids are intent on spending the rest of their lives passing one course after another. Some of them had come from another college after they exhausted what was available there. Seemingly they did not want to be teachers, professors or do anything of service to the rest of the world.

Makes me wonder about parents like that, seems to me that eventually I would have called a halt to their present way of life and said, "Okay, you're a member of this family, we need your help around the house and grounds and a certain amount of your income to help pay bills," and expect them to join the family once again.

As for the parents who are willing to let their offspring remain students for the rest of their lives, I wonder, are they hiding from their kids, don't want to be bothered with them anymore ? Just what is their bag ?

Seems to me when I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, my unspoken answer was, "I want to be grown up," with all the implications of that. A solitary live of living with the 'rents and pursuing a fancy free life with no real connections with others, other than bar-hopping with the bunch never did appeal to me as it seems to others.

I would hate to answer this question, "What are you here for ? What do you intend to do with your life ?" and have to answer to the effect, "I am here to stay alive with as little effort as possible, to not be connected with family or establish a family relationship of my own."

My first longings were to have a brother or sister, later when I saw that was impossible my soul began to plan on a family of my own, finding a soulmate and rolling our own.

And then comes to mind the syndrome that I first called, Little League Moms. Later of course there were Little League Dads too. Not trying to be derogatory, but referring to those parents who pushed their kids and harassed the coaches and umpires and generally made asses of themselves. I guess they thought they were being good parents, but to my idea they had passed all bounds of good adult behavior and were sending the wrong messages to their children.

Ms. Hart's article stirred me to ponder a bit, thanks, I needed that. Just for a time to be THOUGHTFUL . . . . . . .

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