Sept. 13, 2005 - 18:47 MDT

NOT QUITE REMEMBERED

I know that my personal history recollections are spotty, guess it is to be understood for many of us. The times I spent in an alcoholic fog, putting one foot in front of another is naturally hazy.

But the days of yore the blank spots are a bother to me.

Sometimes it seems as if I am on the verge of understanding myself, if I could just remember all the details of a certain time.

In going through what should be saved from my Father's papers after his demise I ran on to an envelope of papers, all in childish writing and expressions, telling what my classmates thought of me. I dimly remembered being shown them, I think it was after I had run away the first time.

I guess it was about the time that the term "inferiority complex," showed up in our baliwick. And I guess my folks tumbled to the fact that I had one. And had one I guess I did. Looking back it was probably one of the reasons for my attempt to escape the real world and its responisbilities.

One thing I do remember was that I thought (to myself), "They just don't know the real me, I am not as good a guy as they think."

Part of my condition I think was the fact that I missed an entire grade not too long before then and was passed on to the next grade as being a "smart" boy who could catch up. And possibly with some tutoring in grammar and math I could have. Those lacks harassed me the rest of my public school life. But I think that was part of my feeling worthless, I was sickly and puny, so did not have a presence on the playing fields and being a "Dee" student cut me down in the eyes of those who made good grades.

Coupled with that, I think was the fact that I was by then a "latch key kid," and maybe if Mom had been home when I got home in the afternoon things would have been different all the way around.

I didn't spend a lot of time feeling sorry for myself, just kept on doing what I was supposed to be doing and trying to do what I couldn't quite do. Work around the house got done nicely, I just couldn't make the grades that were expected of me. So, much of my time was spent with the "folks in the books," my friends from the beginning of my reading love affair.

Perhaps back then I lacked the ability to adequately communicate my needs to the point I could be understood. I just couldn't convince folks that I was failing in English and Math because there was something lacking in my previous exposure to those subjects. I had missed a whole year and without help there was no way I could catch up.

I think it would be nice to be able to go back, take a better look at things, hoping for an earlier understanding of life in general and how to convince my folks of my needs.

All my life I had the realization of just how fortunate I was compared to many of the people of our world, also luckier than a lot of folks in my own native land. I think gratitude for that is what buoyed me up and kept me going.

So, a rerun is not possible for us in real life, but it would be so nice to bring to light in my being, things NOT QUITE REMEMBERED . . . . . . . . .

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