Aug. 27, 2005 - 18:23 MDT

PHONE TYPE

There seems to be a vast number of folks who have a philosphy as I do. Marty Meitus the Food Editor of the Rocky Mountain News looks at things with a wry eye now and then. Here's her column of today, in full:

CELL PHONE KEY TO MY SURVIVAL

"A co-worker told me something frightening that I just had to write about it -- he doesn't have a cell phone. Hellloooo ? No cell phone ? That's like telling me you use tin cans and a string. Some 80 percent of Americans now have cell phones, the other 20 percent are just being stubborn."

"My co-worker says it's not necessary to call his wife every three minutes to tell her he's coming home soon. He challenged me to look at all the calls I make that could have waited --that is, I wouldn't have made them if I had to drive around looking for a pay phone."

"I don't know about you but cell phones are second only to e-mail in communication/noncommunication. You want to know something but you don't really want to talk to the person -- you e-mail. That shaves at least three minutes out of your day and avoids the whole converstion thing. Do you really care that their baby was colicky when all you really want to know is what time you're meeting next week ? No, you really do not."

My other keen observation is that I'm winding down like a middle-aged clock, which means I don't want to spend seven hours on the phone at night anymore. Cell phones are the new way to reach out and touch someone, without a major commitment in time. I can check in with friends and family -- and then say, "Well, gotta go, I'm about to walk into the grocery store," and no one is offended. Why ? Because they're doing the same thing."

"My co-worker was dead wrong about my need for a cell phone. Here's a log of some of the crucial ways I use a cell phone to get through a day:

1. - "First thing in the morning. Call to friend/co-worker to discuss the horrible traffic on T-REX "Why is it so bad today ?" I ask. "I don't know," she says. Very important for well-being and peace of mind."

2. - "Midday. Call from son at school to tell me he needs money for the next day. Very important because I need time to rob a bank on my way home."

3. - "Noon. Check-in call to husband to discuss dinner plans and robbing bank. Very important because he wants cheese quesadillas and $4 million."

4. - "Afternoon. Call to friend/co-worker to discuss the horrible traffic on T-REX. "Why is it so bad today ? I ask." "I don't know," she says." Very important for well-being and peace of mind."

5. - "Late afternoon. Pick up a friend. No longer have to honk and disturb neighbors or get out of car to tell her I'm in her driveway. Very important because obesity is not a problem in this country."

6. - "Evening. Call from son to argue over what time he has to be home. Call begins, "What time do you want me to be home ?" Mother gives time. Kid bargains. Mother hands off phone to Father. Father pretends phone is in dead spot. Kid is forced to argue with himself. Very important because mother and father save valuable minutes and precious breath."

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Family keeps trying to sell Heather and I on getting us a cell phone. Using the dire threat of needing to call for help when we get broke down. Which in itself is a very valid line of reasoning. That is providing that we make a little phone directory to keep in the glove box listing every possible company or organization we might have to call for help. If we do it right, if we get everything listed it might be a life saver.

Yet, I am enough of a paranoiac that I can just hear the kids calling during the day to check on us, where we are, what we are doing and what's next on our agenda. I'm not sure that the ability for anyone and everyone to reach out and touch me won't eventually raise blisters on my touch spot.

Conversely, we know the time of day that the kids will be home and we call them on the blinkin' land line we have had for years, using the same number that has been in our family since I was a kid of 16 - only having one number added and then the area code.

And then, Caller ID doesn't work on our phone when the caller is using a cell phone, so I don't know if it friend or enema calling. So later on someone will ask me why I didn't answer our phone, and in the course of conversation it develops that they tried to reach me using their cell phone. Oh, me. Alas and lackaday.

Perhaps 'tis because I am old and withered, but this jumping jack doesn't want his string jerked every moment.

I know that down the line a bit we will get a cell phone, which I hope to keep buried in the glove box of the car, but doubt I will have much luck at that.

Just another example of the things I was talking about recently. Another disease shows up "Cellulitis" of the PHONE TYPE . . . . . . . .

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