2000-09-12 - 21:12 MDT

September 12, 2000

Wimp ?

I don't exactly know how to start on this subject. I guess at the beginning and on forward rather than in the middle and go in both directions.

I am an alcoholic, "in recovery," as all it would take would be for me to start with just a few -- and I no longer would be recovering but sliding back down the slope to hell and torture.

I have been clinically depressed to the point of losing touch with reality to the point of attempting suicide in a state of fugue.

While attending AA each person around the table told their story which in part was part of mine. I have seen the shaking, miserable people who, "went out, lost their sobriety," and returned to try once more to get shut of drinking. I went through the steps, sincerely and honestly and was able through gut wrenching, soul searching, step following activity to see myself as I am and finally realize that I truly was helpless without the aid of a higher power and I went to that higher power and with that help I am an "alcoholic in recovery."

All this has been pertinent to my entry tonight. Heather and I having five children, I seem to gravitate toward people who are parents, especially people with young children -- vicariously living my life over again. I hear the problems they have which also remind me of "how it was." I become attached to them although I have never seen them and probably never will.

In the northern tier of states there is a parent who I touched base with frequently, exchanging e-mails with pleasure. Then, there was a hiatus. When next she came on line, it was with the revelation that she was alcoholic and had been in hospital for a bit. I think it had been then that she attempted suicide. Many of us who had been in touch with her rallied, prayed and sent cards and e-mails wishing her success in recovering. I read that she was attending AA and prayed for her recovery.

Along about this time I heard from another jounaller who had known her much longer than I, that she and her husband and kids lived close to her parents and that her family is dysfunctional to the extreme and she had been suffering harassment from her folks for a long time.

Then . . . .silence again, no one knew what was up. Her husband finally managed to send e-mail to us that she was in the hospital again -- that their kids had been taken away -- and that he was losing it. That is the last contact I had -- since then -- silence and no replies. Did she become brain damaged to a degree that she can't ever rejoin society ? Has she died ? Who mourns ?

Have I become too attached to a non-relative, or is it the case of decent soldiers trying to do for a wounded comrade ? Is it because I feel a kinship to one who was desperately trying to hold on ? Is it because of the people I knew in AA who were struggling to gain sobriety and once in a while failing and once in a while doing as we do, "one day at a time," as Kris Kristofferson (sp) sang -- as I still do.

While in AA I learned that sometimes one must give up on a backslider, (?) and pray for them because no one can help them to help themselves. Alcohol is an insidious beverage / drug that can be consumed for many years before becoming truly addictive-- but sometimes is addictive with the first drink, but once it has reached the addictive stage, there is no way out other than not drinking by the help from above and the desire of the addict to stop.

Along with that, I worry about how the children are getting along -- are they being treated right ? Are they being loved and entertained ? Has anyone eased their fears about where Mommy is ? Are they being fed properly ? The husband who had fought alongside of her trying to help her -- how has he stood losing her and her children both ? Is he wondering as we all do, "was there something else I could have done ?"

I keep telling myself what another person who is in recovery from alcohol and narcotics told me, "give her to God," this is what I unconsciously did in the past with the people who "went out." But I don't want to -- I want her to recover -- regain her kids and husband and go on with life happily. I am no miracle worker, but I wish I could be because that is the first place I would start.

After all she is my kin -- a human in trouble with no oars for the boat.

Am I soft hearted or soft headed, or just a weak and sissified WIMP ?

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