Jul. 16, 2005 - 12:53 MDT

THAN ME

Guess I am not the only person, there is at least one more of my type, and he writes a newspaper column, as well as a book or two. W. Bruce Cameron by name. The movie, "Not With My Daughter You Won't" is based on a book of his. Here are some quotes from his column of today in the Rocky Mountain News:

"I read recently that automobiles are being outfitted with computers and artificial-intelligence software so that they're becoming "smart cars," or vehicles that make good choices, like refusing to let teenagers drive them."

"But these helpful mechanisms are nothing compared to what the car companies are working on next. In the smart cars of the future, forward-scanning radar will alert you to how the person in front of you is driving, while forward-scanning torpedos will allow you to do something about it. Your car will be in constant touch with the Internet, alerting you to major developments you might otherwise not know about, such as an accident up ahead or the release of a new video by Britney Spears. A dashboard map will indicate your position relative to the car's place of manufacture in China."

"Another is a text message: "Check Engine." Which is pretty helpful because otherwise when my car doesn't start, I'd be trying to figure out why by peering into the CD player."

"Check Engine !" my mechanic, Melvin Walletdrainer, says, slapping his forehead. "Of course, why didn't I think of that ?"

"Future SUVs will have a set of wheels on the roof so that when you roll over you can just keep driving."+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Then Mr. Cameron comes out with something which must be about me too.

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"The article I read indicated that future smart cars will function "much like the human body, with far greater cooperation between the parts." This leads me to conclude that they are talking about someone else's body. In my body, the parts have gone to war against each other. For example, last weekend my tongue said, "Hey, put a little hot sauce on this week-old burrito, and it still tastes pretty good!" My stomach, however, said, "Thanks but we're going to send the burrito back plus everything else you've eaten for the past three days." The lower part of my gastrointestinal system said, "We're going to try to clean out the ductwork down here as well." But none of this was communicated to my brain, which was busy contemplating how to clean the green stuff out of the sour cream so it would still be usable."

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Mr. Cameron often says exactly the way I feel about things, only in much better language. His tongue in cheek, who me ? wry outlook on life strike responsive chords in my soul. The Lost Chord of accord, as it were. Duet of dingbats, naah -- he ain't -- I am.

I'm with him on this and many other things. Just thinking, for five years or more I functioned in Webtv, nicely and was able to not worry about all the bells and whistles that folks on computers had. Now with a computer family helped me pay for and a digital camera that Heather gave me for Christmas, I have all the bells, whistles and sirens along with multiplex lights. Just can't get it together all at one time and figure out which button does which when and if I want it to. Long ago when I began to have car trouble it usually was self evident what was ailing and what had to be replaced -- those days are things of the far distant past. A mechanic nowadays has to have had a computer tutor to be able to turn a wrench.

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Mr. Cameron ends his column with the following: "Besides, what good is a bunch of smart cars on the road if all the drivers are still dumb ?"

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Makes me think of rush hour traffic yesterday, folks on cell phones doing the crazy down the street. Guy on cell phone driving in the far right lane zaps over, cuts me off to almost a screeching standstill, does the same to the car on my left, zips into the left turn lane and makes his turn on a red light, causing more screeching. Not feeling so alone now, and looking around to notice that most everything electrical, mechanical and combinations of all are a hell of a lot smarter THAN ME . . . . . . . . .

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