Jul. 12, 2005 - 22:51 MDT

LIFE'S CONUNDRUM

Even at this late date on my trek through life I am still puzzled about things, who I am, why I am, and how I got here.

Even when the path is spooled out in front of me, I can see the process, by the why still escapes me. Others have had a similar path and turned out differently.

Do I feel sorry for myself ? No I don't, just wondering.

I was an only child, not that I wanted to be though. I only had one grandmother and no real grandfather 'til she married an old hard rock miner and settled down near the Moly Mine at Red River. He was so very good to me, but I was approaching teen age then.

I remember once being classified as having a "Inferiority Complex" my teacher tried her best and had members of my class write something good about me and sent it to my folks to show to me. I did appreciate the fact that my classmates liked me and some praised me. Yet it gave me the "Who Me ?" feeling, it couldn't be me they were referring to.

I could go on and itemize the whole thing, bad feelings in the winter, loneliness because Mom and Dad both worked and I would come home from school and start a coal fire in the stove to warm the house up and make it possible for me to start dinner.

I got married, we started our family, there were joyous times of good, but always the feeling of not being quite up to the mark lingered in the background ready to strike.

So I can look back and see the hallmark of me being a depressive, sort of plain to see, it is. Just like following a checklist are the indicators of what I am. Even a sad prognosis by the experts as to what might happen to me further down the line was finally made.

An unsucessful attempt at suicide in 1987 finally led the experts into deciding that I had a chemcical imbalance in my brain.

Finally the proper anti-depressant was found and prescribed and although my life has no halo, no rainbow 'round it there has been much happiness and content since then, humor too.

Still remains the wondering, what makes a depressive of a person when others cope and happily survive when faced with much greater difficulties than me ? Still, my soul seeks a logical answer to LIFE'S CONUNDRUM . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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