Mar. 05, 2005 - 18:41 MST

THE WONDERING JEW

So, What Are You ?

Every Saturday in the Rocky Mountain News, Mary Winter has a column. A very savvy lady who sometimes points up the quirks of modern behavior and thought. Today's in part:

It seems we're getting really hung up on titles

"I miss the days when a person told you his job title and you knew exactly what he did for a living: bricklayer, secretary, CEO, carpet installer, butcher, newspaper reporter, nurse."

"Take my own place of employment. At the Rocky Mountain News, we have not only an interactive-media editor but a multimedia producer, both of whom I probably report to but whose day-to-day duties are a total mystery to me."

"The relentless march of technology of course, is the reason for the lion's share of confusion.."

"But not all of it. Denny Dressman, a News executive, recalls that years ago his boss at the Cincinnnati Enquirer had an unusual name for copy boys, low-level gofers whose main responsibility was sharpening pencils and running typewritten stories from reporters' desks to waiting editors. He called them "manuscript expediters."

"According to a story in The Arizona Republic, the Scottsdale Unified School District in Arizona has changed five titles. The new titles are meant to underscore the district's focus on learning. But you tell me. Here they are:

FORMER TITLE -- NEW TITLE

Receptionist -- Director of First Impressions

Bus driver -- Transporter of Learners

Assistant superintendent of personnel -- Executive Director of Human Capital

Assistant superintendent of elementary schools -- Executive director for elementary schools and excelling teaching and learning

Assistant superintendent of support services -- Chief of Facilities and Management for Learners.

"The man behind the new titles is Scottsdale Superintendent John Baracy. "This is to make a statement about what we value in the district. We value learning," he told the Republic. The Scottsdale school board also approved the titles."

"Critics say they're ridiculous and point out that conventional titles exist for a reason -- so customers can figure out whom to ask for when they need help."

(Mary goes on to say) "The real danger here is if Scottsdale schools' name changes start a trend. If they can turn a receptionist into a director of first impressions, can the following be far behind ?"

Dog walker -- Canine Circumambulation Coordinator

Massage therapist -- Relaxation Resource Manager

Meter Maid -- Public Coordinatior of Vehicular Irritation

Wal-Mart greeter -- Satisfactory Shopping Experience Initiator

Grocery bagger -- Coordinator of Product Conveyance

Tattoo artist -- Epidermal Arts Practitioner

Dog groomer -- Canine Aesthetician and Stylist

Telemarketer -- Peace and Tranquility Termination Specialist

Newspaper reporter -- Executive Disseminator of Data

Newspaper editor -- Executive Interpreter of Disseminated Data

Manicurist -- Curator of Cuticles

Bread salesman -- Counselor of Carbohydrate Consumption

Stripper -- Development Director of One-Dollar Donations

Divorce lawyer -- Alimony Alchemist

Firewood salesman -- Branch Office Biomass Broker

Nursing mother of twins -- Chief Lactation Coordinator

Window washer -- Viewtrician

"Not that I'm against creative job names. My favorite is printed on the business card of the chairman of the board of Build-a-Bear, a kid's party company: "Maxine Clark, Chief Executive Bear."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Thinking, thinking. IN a way, it doesn't really make a difference what you call yourself or have others call you -- if you are a ditch digger that is exactly what you are. How about all these companies and political arms who have a "Spokesman" -- why not Assistant Chief Executive In Charge of Dispensation of Poop ?

TV Weather forecaster -- Head Meterology Creatologist ?

Complaint Department head -- Official Refuser ?

Then new names can be drawn out to boring ridiculous length. For instance, Janitor -- Executive And Chief Director of Matters Sanitary, Neatness and Cleanliness.

But I think the critics are wrong when they say, "Conventional job titles eixst for a reason -- so customers can figure out whom to ask for when they need help," Jeepers companies and agencies have long ago put live bodies beyond the reach of anyone who needs to contact them. Doesn't matter who you have in mind to talk to, it is impossible to reach them through the interminable communication maze menu. Much the same is what one encounters when making a personal visit to whatever and whoever you want to see. First, their office is in an out of the way place to which you are mis-directed time after time, and then when finally the lair of the sought is found, getting past the gal behind the phone and typewriter is usually an impossible task. The person looked-for usually exits into the hall via a door you can't see and leaves you waiting until the gal behind the desk puts the cover on her typewriter, grabs her purse and wrap and says, "We are closing now, sorry."

Perhaps I should call myself the "Independent Opinionator," I'll be baaaack. So, What Are You ? . . . . . . . . .

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