Jan. 21, 2005 - 15:21 MST

THE WONDERING JEW

We Who Are About To

Bill Bryson's "I'm A Stranger Here Myself," is a book that has much of who and how I am. Leastways that is how it seems to me.

I bought a Dell, it has been sitting here in its boxes since before the first of the year. Nobody's fault but mine. After seeing it advertised in the Sunday Parade for the last x-number of years I gave in, gave up, gave out and sent for it.

There is a computer guru who makes his living at computer things who is a friend of our departed Rob. He has offered to come over and help me get set up. We have yet to make arrangements. Our oldest son and his son have offered to help also. Our friend in Florida whose daughter lives here has offered her daughter's services.

A plethora of willing helpers abound for a fearful, fumbling old man who has been through the bit of being "shown" how to do something on the keyboard by a younger person. They step over, zip, zip, poke, poke, "there, thats how you do it." Getting a repeat is done in a similar manner only faster and then the words, "Did you get that ?" in a manner of tolerance for an oldster's ability to catch on.

One thing I sincerely fear is all trying to dive in at once and put things together for this slow to catch on oldster.

So today I was reading Bill Bryson's "I'm A Stranger Here Myself," and ran onto his chapter, "Your New Computer." Seeing that this book has a lot of Bill's humor I dug in prepared to laugh. This is some of what I saw."

"Congratulations. You have purchased an Anthrax/2000 Multimedia 615X Personal Computer with Digital Doo-Dah Enhancer. It will give you years of faithful service, if you ever get it up and running." Also included with your PC is a bonus pack of preinstalled softwear -- Lawn Mowing Planner, Mr. Arty-Farty, Blank Screen Saver, and Antarctica Route Finder -- which will provide hours of pointless diversion while using up most of your computer's spare memory.

So turn the page and let's get started !"

I shivered a bit and bit the bullet and read the following:

"Getting Ready

Congratulations. You have successfully turned the page and are ready to proceed."

"Important meaningless note: The Anthrax/2000 is configured to use 80386, 214J10, or higher processors running at 2472 Herz on variable speed spin cycle. Check your electrical installations and insurance policies before proceeding. Do not machine wash."

"To prevent internal heat build-up, select a cool, dry environment for your computer. The bottom shelf of a refrigerator is ideal."

"Unpack the box and examine its contents. (Warning: Do not open box if contents are missing or faulty, as this will invalidate your warranty. Return all missing contents in their original packaging with a note explaining where they have gone and a replacement will be sent within twelve working months.)"

"The contents of this box should include some of the following: Monitor with mysterious De gauss button; keyboard; computer unit, miscellaneious wires and cables not necessarily designed for this model; 2,000 Owner's Manual; Short guide to the Owner's Manual; Quick Guide to the Short Guide to the Owner's Manual; laminated Supr-Kwik Set-Up Guide for People Wjho Are Exceptionally Impatient or Stupid; 1,167 pages of warranties, vouchers, notices in Spanish, and other loose pieces of paper; 292 cubic feet of Styrofoam packing material."

"Something They Didn't Tell You At The Store"

"Because of the additional power needs of the preinstalled bonus software, you will need to acquire an Anthrax/2000 auxiliary software upgrade pack, a 900-volt memory capacitator for the auxiliary software pack, a 50-megaherz oscillator unit for the memory capacitator, 2,500 mega-gigabytes of additional memory for the oscillator,and an electrical substation."

And now I shall leave Mr. Bryson, crying a bit (me crying) and head for the phone to find out how much said substation will cost me and if I can have one in my backyard.

Probably the only live body I will ever talk to at Dell was the person who took my order. The one who said, "We don't send printed manuals anymore, it is in your computer." The person hung up before I could ask if there is a printed manual in existence and could I please borrow it for a short time (ten or more years).

If my mentor can't come over and help, my son and his son will come do the job. Whether they have the patience to stay with me, holding my pitiful little hand while I slowly learn, I don't know. But, any help is better than what I can do for myself.

By the time another week has passed I expect that action of one kind or another shall take place in regard to this Ding Dong owner of a Dell.

Ave Caesar, We Who Are About To . . . . . . . . . . .

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