Nov. 21, 2004 - 20:00 MST

THE WONDERING JEW

Adventures Of The Aged

There was a lot of things today I could rant about in the hopes that somehow, some way enough people could get together and convince the administration to stop whatever they are doing or -- possibly do something sensible.

Then I thought, "Better check my e-mail and see what I missed." I did and read the following sent me by a friend."

RIGHT ON

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof -- and the horn -- and screamed in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection on his tail.

She was still in mid-rant when she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a jailer approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

"I'm very sorry for the mistake," he tells her. "You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him."

"I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk."

"So naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

I'm still laughing at that one. And then, began to think of my exciting day today.

There was enough snow on the ground that the streets had some snow on them too, which looked icy. Not having been above 32 for a day or so it made me leery of going out in it.

But today was the day we were going to church and lunch with our family. Granddaughter, her husband and three kids were in from Casper, Wyoming and we wanted to visit with them as they don't get here too often.

To a grouchy old man who got rolled out before eight AM, had looked with jaundiced eye at the great ? outdoors, grumbled a bit and got dressed and all the rigamarole of getting ready to go.

Getting the job done including filling my Helios with oxygen I thought, "Now would be a good time to take the old papers and trash bag out to the can." Picked up the papers in my arms and opened the garage door, stepping out as I normally do. Whoops . . . . . armload of papers, dress shoes on (leather soles) the papers and I skidded across the cement. Muttering, "Damned old fool," I knocked the snow off the trash barrel lid, took it off, dumped the papers and went back inside. Grabbed the big ol' trash bag and headed back out, very gingerly, in a creep mode it too went into the barrel, lid restored and cinched down I eased my way back into the house. Then holding my friz hands under the hot water until blood began to flow again. I took a seat at attention and waited for Heather to finish up getting ready.

My lady, being the Chauffer Prime decided it was slick and she should drive. We left early enough and I told her she better creep on the way to church. The street we were on had spots here and there that had slick snow on it and after a skid or two I stuffed my crossword puzzle in the glove compartment, clenched my teeth and concentrated on riding responsible shotgun, very verbally. It would be a very mild statement to say we put each other on edge and expressed ourselves as people do when in that state. "Shut up and let me drive !" "Yeah, well, slow down and watch those slick spots." "LIKE THIS ONE RIGHT HERE ! ! ! ! !"

A short ride that only took a century or two and we reached an artery where traffic had burned the icky icy stuff away and we more or less calmed ourselves and arrived at the church at peace.

We were a bit early so we sat in the car for a bit with the heater keeping us toasty. Then I got out, grabbed the handle and told Heather, "Wait for me to come around to your side it is icy." Heather gathered whatever women do in a car before alighting, opened the door, sliding down with my arm under hers. She shut the door and said, "Normal winter time procedure ?" I said, "Yep, if one of us goes down we both go down and then help each other up." Long ago we figured that going down in group formation would soften the impact. Never has happened yet, so the theory hasn't been Beta tested yet.

We were escorted in by a concerned youngster, who miraculously didn't offer an arm. He would have not been rebuffed and might have helped us fall if he had.

The family was there already, including our three "drops of water on a hot skillet" great grand children, who were finally corralled and taken to the kids department down stairs. Hugs all around and light conversation. And we went in. Jeepers, we took up a whole row. And looking at myself mentally thought, "You are half responsible for this mass of humanity. One of first instigators of same." Laughing internally as a feeling of thankful pride began to glow.

The church is a "Friends" church, commonly known by others as "The Quakers." I love going there, as most of those attending are really true friends. I could hear the singing and instrumentals and read on the big screen the words being sung. That was about it for the audio. It was interesting to see lips move and the facial expressions.

One of the beauties of that church are the periods of pure silence. A time when one can truly commune with their higher power.

Church over the three "Rascals," were brought up from the Nether-lands and we continued to ride herd on them. They are so full of it that I was laughing at their antics.

We left there and went to Noodles and Co. about five miles away. Heather and I peacefully communicating. The streets were pretty well traffic dried by then. Our grand daughter and her group were already there and had tables grouped ready for the rest of us. Not having to stand up at the counter and order I continued to be amazed and thoroughly amused by the three little boys. Two of them don't talk yet and the third makes up for that. Took me back to the days when we had littles. They were able grab whatever was in reach and do what damage they could. Everyone was fielding things then. The littlest proceeded to scarf two jars of Gerber's carrots which kept him busy. Only getting active if a knife or fork got within reach. Water glasses automatically put way out of his vicinity. The oldest kept pulling his big napkin bib off and messing up his shirtfront.

After they had eaten enough, the two older ones were running back and forth from chair to chair getting tickled and hugged. The grown folks keeping a lively conversation going. Now and then I would catch a word or two and seemed to get the gist of things. Suffering the teasing about not being able to hear what they were saying about me. My reply was, "You just don't know what I am thinking about you all right now."

We stayed there probably longer than we should, but the place wasn't busy. So we loitered and enjoyed.

Finally we split up into three cars and departed, our visit and luncheon over. On the way home I got to laughing and Heather said, "What is so funny ?" I said, "I had a full night's sleep, and all I did is take the trash out, go to church and lunch. By golly I am sooo tired." That tickled her.

That is one day's Adventures Of The Aged . . . . . . . . . . . .

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