Jun. 29, 2004 - 17:07 MDT

THE WONDERING JEW

Mirror

It's one of those days, it is. So I sit back and try to figure WHAT I am. In my younger days it was easy to see everything in black or white. That was before Technicolor. As time went on it was easy to differentiate things into shades of gray. Still there is a need for color to add spice to life. Family and marriage added that wonderful color.

I guess part of my adult schooling educated me in frustration and patience. A pastor once told me to, "Never pray for patience, because if that prayer is answered you might find yourself in a place similar to Job's." So little by little I had to learn to be a husband, as the children joined our family, being a father and began to grow, frustration and patience were forced on me. Many occasions both items were on my menu at work.

Then there were in my younger times that I would say, "I see it that way and there is no other way." As time went on I learned to reconcile myself to the facts and learned to change my mind about some things. The hardest part was coping with the necessity of admitting same. Learning how say, well that was the way I thought, but now I see the mistakes in that.

Learning how to pause and smell the roses, to enjoy the simple pleasures and beautiful moments and mixing with good people grew on me as I aged.

Webtv given to me for my birthday in 1999 opened a new world for me. There were so many things to do and look at that I was amazed. Gradually I discovered journals and diaries, some of which often had questions at the end of the entry. Al Schroeder's Nova Notes is probably the first of that kind I encountered. I enjoyed it to the max and often put my two cents worth in. Then I discovered guest books and put my scratch marks in them.

Eventually I began e-mailing journalists and getting replies from them. Interchange with people on the net gave me something I was in danger of losing -- contact and communication with people who soon became friends. My hearing became worse and being able to talk through the keyboard and listen by eyeing the monitor was exceedingly exhilarating to say the least. One great advantage to the net is that one is not interrupted nor is there any possiblility for me to be discourteous that way. Not trying to filter out conversation in the cross talk and background noise is a treasure I value also. Another thing I like is that response doesn't have to be on the minute, there is time to think over my replies -- and avoid getting to the point that I do in verbal things, getting my tang tonguled around my eye teeth to the point I can't see what I am saying, one of my common faults but I am improving a bit. Anyhow, I talk with my fingers and hear with my eyes, it does bring me joy to make new friends and converse with old ones on the net. Of course in January 2000 I started my diary and have been blathering ever since.

I have always been a people watcher and now have the time to sit back and enjoy that, making up little stories in my mind about various folks as they pass by. Discovering that most little children are friendly to an adult who can smile and talk softly. Usually making eye contact with their parents as soon as possible -- seems to reassure them that their children are in no danger from that fuzzy old man. Conversations with little children might consist of a wink or a wave, but usually get a wave back with a smile. Remembering all the while that these little folk are the people near my great-grand-children's age and maybe help them to learn trust and friendliness. Trying to converse with them as an adult but on their level is deeply interesting to me and a joy. Seeing the parents smile at their childrens happiness to talk with a, heh, grandfatherly, bearded old dude actually brings us together as I fondly remember our trusting, friendly children as they grew.

All along I have been learning from my mistakes, some of them not soon enough though. I am an alcoholic in recovery since 1986, haven't smoked since 1997 (wish I could take credit for that) with smoking I can be proud of the fact that after over sixty years of addiction I didn't start back smoking after getting out of the hospital. I went through nicotine withdrawal while I was somewhat semi-intelligent and drugged to relax my muscles and relieve pain, so I can't take credit for that. During that hospital stay and the year of physical therapy, dear Heather was an angel who did every thing I couldn't yet accomplish for myself. As a result from slow learning I now have COPD, use oxygen, take heart medication, my movements are restricted so that I can't walk fast anymore. But in the end I did learn.

As I age it seems easier to understand people and their ways, I'm still puzzled about myself. Reminds me of an old saying attributed to a Quaker lady, who said, "Everyone is crazy but me and thee, and I sometimes wonder about thee." I'm not an old Quaker lady, so I must the the "thee" in that one.

Ongoing is the heightening of my love for family and my gratitude for their love. Being an only child with very few relatives in town, one thing of marriage that I treasure is marrying into a big family who accepted me as a son and a brother. I thank God that our children grew up with a love of family too.

I do enjoy life and living and taking time to look in the Mirror . . . . . . .

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