2000-06-13 - 22:00 MDT

June 13, 2000

Twins

Beside my self or inside myself ? How can I tell ? Am I in a schizophrenic society and thus normal ? Or have I gone totally bonkers ? Or, whether we admit to it or not do we all become different people at different times of the day, days of the month, months of the year ?

I can wake up one morning feeling like I am a bozo, and another morning like a good responsible citizen and change midstream. After years of working, there usually comes to me after about nine and half hours of aware time my mind blows the quitting time whistle and I become some one else, unwilling to do much but be laid back and wanting to amuse or be amused, or both. Yet during emergencies I am another person entirely. I am not a manic-depressive - - just a normal depressive with my depression under control - - - so 'tain't that. I know because I was in custodial therapy (locked ward doors) when a manic-depressive who had quit medicating was brought in and spent some days in the rubber room until his medication level was brought up to where it should be. He then joined the rest of us and was only normally crazy like we were. He had been picked up riding his ten speed bike down Boulder Canyon road - - the twisty turny one, not even attempting to use the brakes. In his conversations with me he described to me what his manic periods were like. He said that he would decide to do something fun and unconsciously the thing would escalate to where his own life and limb was threatened. He said that all he knew about these periods was that he was having the greatest time of his life and wanted more and more. He also said that when the pendulum swung the other way his depressive episodes brought on the blackest, saddest, dreariest, most hopeless feelings - - - he knew not why.

I was under treatment for alcoholism, not detox - - I was over that, but was attending classes, therapy sessions, occupational therapy and learning how to be with people without a drink in my hand. A year later I went to the depths of depression and attempted suicide and can understand how bad that was for him. I felt then that his manic and depressive periods were just ordinary human behavior magnified to a ridiculous extent. Similar to a lot of us doing the high speed, cowboy barrel racing down I-25. And being lower than a man with family on the loss of his job.

There are times that I look at things through different eyes and consider things from a different angle than ever before. In this diary there is a modicum of a start of understanding who and what Bastion is and the possibility of being a wiser and more intelligent person. It is mind boggling to me to consider the giant leaps required to forge ahead and better myself. Heck no, I don't want to be President or a CEO, just be someone who understands more than before, is kinder than before, more helpful than before and much better at being moral support for friends and loved ones. No magnificent aspirations, I just want to be better than I am now and live long enough to see that there has been a decent contribution to other's lives.

I think that there has been a small improvement in my actions and understanding. Also a better amount of self worth and civilized assertiveness. The road is long, uphill, twisting, rocky and all that jazz but I have the feeling that I have a head start because I have gained a great amount of momentum while coming down the hill behind me gaining speed to surmount what is ahead. Pollyanna ? No, I don't think so, just preventative maintenance and mental re-arming. And remembering the higher power that helped me climb out of the pit of alcoholism. It is there and the need to get closer is in me.

So in answer to the questions at the start of this raving - - - - - I am with myself.

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