Feb. 12, 2004 - 20:34 MST

THE WONDERING JEW

Hibernation

In the best of times a certain amount of medication keeps me at best on an even keel. Not euphoric, but near normal, which is what I want my personna to be.

My tussle with SAD dates back to my childhood. I can see some of the possibilities of why that is. But cannot state positively that is the whole reason. Maybe if I could go back to childhood wherein my Mother was home all the time to guide and council me. Then, in comparison, maybe I could say that was the problem and why I went into SAD.

In my young years I coped and had a reasonable life, sunk in books for the most part, but still as the end of fall came my mood took a downturn until spring. I hated winter and cold and slush to the max. Cloudy skies happened all too often for me here in Denver, I can't imagine what it would have been for me in the midwest where mostly the clouds hover like a pall from the late fall until spring.

In 1987 clinical depression took over my life. I was unhappily just putting one foot in front of the other, a zombie or robot you might say. One day I lost touch with reality and was in the outer limits in a stage of terror of things I could see but now am sure that others could not. I am, in my own mind, sure that SAD played a great part in that.

It was in February, mid month that I went around the bend, wife Heather at work, me sick at home, cold, dreary, snow coming down, me looking out at frigid hell. I can just barely remember creatures slinking between the trees and bushes toward the house, weird beings they were. The next thing I knew was coming to in hospital, not really knowing anything at all and trying to figure out what it was all about.

Seems that in my fearful frenzy I had tried to escape those frightening creatures by committing suicide. If it hadn't been for Heather on her way to town to do business deciding to stop by and see how I was doing it would have been a successful attempt.

So in the winter time I am on max dosage of my anti-depressant and avoid looking out on the gloom and white stuff and manage to stay in a tolerable and happy mood. But it is there and I know that if I stop medicating it will happen again. Diagnosed as a chemical imbalance in my brain. Anyway the medication is working and the solution in my case.

I can't blame my troubles on SAD other than it might have tipped the balance.

Life is good, but I wonder sometimes if doing like the bears do might be a good idea going into Hibernation . . . . . . . . . . .

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