Nov. 21, 2003 - 21:45 PST

THE WONDERINGJEW

Thoughts On Living

First came the Word, then Word Perfect, but the word I prefer is the word as given by the man we consider perfect. Many centuries ago they came from his lips. But followed, whether by religious belief or by understanding the meaning of the words, it is a wonderful way to live I think.

For me it is hard to keep up with this modern world, so many complications. So many programs, procedures in living now. So many schools of thought of which no one wishes to learn but wants to teach without adequate knowledge. At least that is how I feel.

Too much knee-jerk, gut feeling action and reaction flounders around it looks to me. And my opinions probably add to the clamor of me, me, me existing now. But the urge to have my say has about as much right to be presented as anyone else�s I guess.

So it is in my online diary I can express myself in a form that is wished for by me. A diary is secret, an online diary for the most part is a secret one, open only to the millions of people who have internet access and have, one way or another run on to the url of my diary and wish to read. Oxymoron ? Maybe, yet it works for me as it does for many other folks.

When I was a kid one could buy these neat little diaries, bound in simulated leather with a strap attached and the hardware built in so that the diary could be locked. When I was very young, one was wanted by me. Later it seemed that only girls kept one, hidden away somewhere. Being a male and susceptible to the influence of my peers it seemed to me to lay me open to an attack of the dreaded cooties. Self inflicted no less, a crime similar to suicide to this boy�s thinking.

There was no concept of keeping a journal in my make-up, not the whisper of an idea. Seemed similar to talking to oneself in writing and locking it away from the eyes of man. A bit too much like school and assignments of writing for my liking, it appeared to me. Coupled to my belief that keeping a diary had something girlish about it kept me away from even thinking about it.

After years of living, and raising chidren came retirement, time to think and just be myself with no demand of my time other than what I gave to Heather gladly. For the most part, being a cripple my activities were not devoted to hours of hiking, walking, sports and things like that which I enjoyed doing when younger and more able. We managed the occasional trip and things like that and in my spare time I devoured book after book.

Having an extra TV in our apartment let me have one in my room, it had closed caption too. But my hours of watching were few as the commercials and content were not of my liking, much of my watching was PBS or Bravo if a program was something I thought would be interesting.

One year Heather with the help of a grandson of ours who came up with the idea of giving me a Webtv set. The only way it can be connected I think was the fact that from the fifties on for a few years I was a radio amateur and Heather observed that I enjoyed communicating with others, many who were states apart, a few a world apart. I�ll have to ask her sometime. It took a while for me to become accustomed to that new fangled thing.

First were the museums on line that intrigued me, many other things came to my attention, such as the multitude of search engines I took pleasure in using. Then entering the world of journals and diaries it seemed like there were people out there who presented new thinking and ways of understanding to me as well as folks who thought much the same as I did. Then I stumbled on to Al Schroeder�s �Nova Notes� which had questions at the end of each of his entries. I enjoyed reading the replies folks made. There were questions asked that made me desire to put in my two cents worth, and so began the trail of a diary for myself by chiming in now and then and having a say in such forums. Most journals give an e-mail address letting people e-mail the writer - I made comments to many of the folks who were writing a journal and , glory be, received answers thus, beginning a dialog which often resulted in friendship.

From this back and forth e-mailing came a friendship with a lady who lives in the Miami Beach area who comes to Denver to visit her daughter. When she comes up, Heather and I can spend some time with her and do our thing. Wish there were more people like her coming to Denver. Meeting someone in the flesh that I have been in communication with is really icing on the cake. Gradually the thought that perhaps there was something for me to say in the form of a diary for myself began to present itself to my mind.

That and seeing a diary would be a great way to sort things in my mind and get an idea of who this person actually is. With the encouragement of three mentors I made the attempt, thinking that possibly it might just last maybe a month, but I haven�t run out of things to say yet and keep thinking of more.

In the process discovering also that there were ways that I could change my mind about some things through the process of communicating with others. It took a lot of brass to openly admit that I now thought differently than before. I think that helped me along the way to growing up which started many years ago. Of course with immediate family it had always been easy for me to do but not in front of the whole world.

Meeting cyberwise such an amazing group of people blew my mind to say the least. One of the first things that stood out with me was that considering other people�s trials and travails I really wasn�t so bad off after all. It encouraged me to liven up and exist with enjoyment regardless of what I was going through in the present moment. Also it made me realize just how many wonderful folks there are in the world nowadays. Abated my cynicism a tad or two, it did.

Reading other folks diaries and journals is like becoming a member of their family in a way. Gives an idea of what the weather is there and the general conditions too including their outlook on things. So many examples of people coping with their problems, a woman whose mother had her legs amputated from diabetic complications, others facing the distress of putting a loved one into a nursing home or assisted living place, Rob Rummel-Hudson and the trials of being a very worried father who is hoping for the best for his daughter Schuyler and reading about Al Schroeder�s loss of his son his the consequent effort to recover and continue to go on in spite of everything. I guess because we have gone through so many of those things we can understand where others are coming from when they write about their troubles. Except, Heather and I have never had to suffer the loss of one of our children, does one ever really overcome that ? I guess they must. They continue with their lives, not as before but with that yearning in their heart for the lost one I guess. I remember Mother�s day being a torture for Heather�s mother because her son went off a bridge in his pickup and drowned before help could arrive. Even in her later years there was the air of sadness and grief at the family gathering in her home. She didn�t say much but it was pretty evident that it was hard for her to be as with it as Mothers should be on that day.

Gradually the realization of just how transient human life is descended on me. Heather and I have seen so many of our older relatives buried, quite a few of our contemporaries are no longer with us. Physical deterioration caused by age compounded by earlier stupidity causes me to be a bit cautious when doing things now. Plus the fact that what once could be accomplished is no longer possible for me anymore. Still I am encouraged by other�s examples to get out and about, maybe grumbling a bit even so, grabbing a grocery cart and helping Heather out at the supermarket when I can be of help. Sometimes sitting on a bench with notebook in hand, people watching and jotting something now and then while Milady does the shopping that only she can do and doesn�t need any kind of help I can give. In the process came the knowledge that a bit of pacing helps get the hard stuff done, a bit later of course � but we don�t punch time clocks anymore anyhow. Anymore anyhow is not a double negative making a positive, at least not in my book it isn�t.

Periodic meditation is part of my diary life, it overtakes me now and then. Boring to the max I suppose, but only happens now and then. The next day something wacky comes to mind and I pant to rant and sometimes can�t rant, so raving a bit fills the page. Whatever is there, is me at that particular time. Might be different tomorrow, who knows ? Am I that different ? Not hidebound really. But I keep having these Thoughts On Living . . . . . . . . . .

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