Aug. 26, 2003 - 21:04 MDT

THE WONDERING JEW

Always Smooth

It has come to this, a man is refusing food.

I have to explain this to myself over again. He is my age, he has diabetes, a pace maker and lost his wife about two years ago. Through his work life he spent the war years in the Navy and worked for a refinery when he came home - until he retired. Other than that he married, had kids with his wife, did the outside work on their house and was a volunteer fireman, his only hobby was learning the lapidary art, buying the equipment and making jewelry. His wife did all the rest, bills, official stuff, bank account it was all left to her.

When he retired from the refinery he also retired from the fire department -- when his eyes got too bad lapidary work was out for him.

He spent something over a year at his house. Heather and I visited him quite frequently and observed him seemingly losing incentive to keep going. It all came to a head when there was a power outage in his neighborhood. His son came to visit him and found him unconscious on the floor of his house. He spent some time in hospital thence to a nursing home. We visited him there too and notice last time he didn't eat unless Heather fed him and talked very little. He was not very responsive to his younger brother when he was here.

Now he won't eat, Heather and I went to visit him today and he was asleep and didn't respond to her efforts to gently wake him. The nurse told us that he ate a good breakfast today but that he napped most all of his days. He did rouse up once, sat part way up but did not respond to our talk and had a vacant stare on his face.

His daughter told us that they think it is just a matter of time before he expires, she and her brother have talked to his doctor and know more than Heather and I.

Thinking and trying to understand but it doesn't come clear to my mind. Apparently the doctor thinks it is not senility or Alzheimer's but a lack of will to live. It is hard for me to understand. I do have some hobbies and activities that I can carry on 'til my flame goes out, providing I don't go blind or get paralyzed. Fun things, communicating with others for instance. Games of cards, Scrabble, Upword and things like that, and when alone and wanting a change I can work crossword puzzles, do word searches, stay on the net and do my diary or as a last resort play Solitaire. I do have a better grasp of what is going on around me, pay our bills, help with grocery shopping and things.

Yet, what if I had a pacemaker, diabetes and Heather was gone to her grave two years ago. Where would I be ? Would I sink into the depths of despair ? I would try not to, but for the life of me I can't put that under warranty. She has been everything to me for a time much longer than I was single -- two hearts beating in a single body almost. My mind does not want to consider such a thing -- but it could happen in an instant.

I do know that our kids would be support and encouragement and a great source of strength, but am I the caliber of man that it would take ? Would I contine to have the will to live ? I pray God that I would. So how could I look at him, sneer and say he has lost his will to live ? Brings up the point, is he capable of wishing to live ? Would I be ?

Our youngest son finished his course of radiation for cancer of the larynx and after he saw his doctor and the appropriate tests were made he was told that he would have to have more surgery. How downcast we are over that. No date has yet been set for the surgery. Like with any of my family, I would it rather be me than thee. But it is not the way it will be. All Heather and I can do is visit him, try to be there when he comes out of surgery and do what we can thereafter -- and of course pray, and pray, and pray !

Now it will be two weeks and Heather will see her surgeon and find out when her surgery will be to remove her gall bladder. I do have hopes that after that the pain that has plagued her for so long will disappear. From what she told me her gall bladder is not functioning right, has stones too. I pray and hope and try to help.

Two members of my family are under threat and it makes me realize that the water of life can be cloudy and a bit nasty and run not Always Smooth . . . . . . .

Blog