2000-05-10 - 19:07:05

10 May, 2000

Parole

Like a con, out on the world, finding that the bad habits he once treasured are not particularly as amusing he once had once enjoyed. Not that I have a convict feeling, more the feeling that I have been suddenly orphan-ated. One hand clapping maybe.

My thoughts go with my mate - there is no one here except the passenger in my skull. And he longs for some one close to fight with, ha ha. I have plenty to do and am working on it - but there is no echo, no sound of a footfall or breathing, no presence felt in the next room. Am I feeling sorry for myself ? Heck no, i am just lonesome, too many years that close to someone, and then they leave for just a bit and the empty rooms reverberate with absence - again, "one hand clapping."

I expect to hear from Heather when she gets into Eugene tomorrow. Her train arrives noonish, but that is PDT, so maybe when the get to daughter's house i'll hear about two P.M. or so. I sure hope Heather weathers the trip well. She is the survivor type, that is what worries the heck out of me. Always the fear screaming in the madhouse of the cavern occupied by my mind, bouncing off the walls and waving its arms madly, walking across the ceiling trying to snatch at my hair in passing. That unreasonable, inconsolable feeling that now maybe the world is empty for me. Wow, what a crape hanger I am. The world has interesting and funny things out there and one cropped up in reading a journal today (fancier than my diary) entry about a beautiful bit of humor perpetrated by Bob of the and-if-I-die journal - - it is so well done that it could be deceiving to someone not familiar with him.

I am behaving well and eating - no biggie.

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