Dec. 04, 2002 - 22:28 MST

THE WONDERING JEW

Real Time

Had my usual coffee and banana this morning and started working on Christmas cards. Did a bit of work around the apartment and then accompanied Heather on a trip across town to her brothers. God, I feel for the man. He is the same age as I, lost his wife about a year ago, wears a pacemaker and is a diabetic. I look at him and see myself maybe a year or two down the road, physically and mentally both. He is feeble, has to stop and rest much oftener than I do (which is more often than I wish), hard to get moving, won't make a grocery list and refuses to use one of those supermarket electric carts but slowly hobbles around through the aisles at the super market hanging onto his grocery cart picking up one thing or another, seemingly at random. He gets checked out at the stand and I load his stuff in the car. After a stop or two he wants us to make we get him home and his stuff carried in and put away.

When friends and relatives quite a bit older than us die, we accept that as part of life. But what really gets to us is to see our contemporaries dying faster than we are. We don't want to go just yet and wish we could holler at them saying, "Hey, wait a minute you're not done here yet."

Then a short stop for milk and frozen goods at our super market and home. Supper not too long after that.

Heather goes to the utmost limits to help him and try to understand what he says and help him do what he wants to do. It is hard on her and hard on me to watch over her and see the worry that is evident in her heart.

Knowing that things will only get worse as time goes by and possibly Heather will have another old baby in her husband to take care of, some times makes me want to go hide so that she won't be troubled with me.

So tonight I am going to retreat into yoga like meditation and try to achieve some measure of peace and serenity, in some small way being cheerful and happy in doing what I can. Try to think peaceful, harmonius, poetic thoughts, navel gaze as one might say, Om Mani Padme Hum and things like that. Slow down and do some high speed meditation in Real Time . . . . . . . . . . .

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