Oct. 06, 2002 - 11:20 MDT

THE WONDERING JEW

Ain't There

Over two years ago I started this diary as a voyage to discover myself. What a high flown way of saying I am still trying to find my way.

Along the way though I have found that I am an OOB (opinionated old boob), a ranter, a question poser, a man who appreciates fine things and works of art -- such things are also often found in the beauty of actions nd feelings of other people. I have found cyber friends who I feel closer to than some of those I rub elbows with. I have also discovered that cyber friends are much more available to gather round and shoot the breeze as well as do serious talk.

And then, I began to realize the actuality of physical things and a way to mentally cope with them. I am aging, making it difficult to do many of the things that in years past were a snap and rapidly accomplished. Some of my ills I came to understand and accept that they will never improve or heal. For instance arthritis. Always will get worse no matter what is done. Once I got a hearing aid it seemed to be a miraculous improvement on my hearing but I can realize the my hearing is in decline too. I've found a few things I can do to slow the decline and that helps. Seems as now every one is talking much too fast anymore, I just can't seem to hear as fast as young folk talk.

Accurate short term memory for me is a dream not realized. What did I have for lunch yesterday ? Damfino - - what day was yesterday ? Are all those things necessary to file in memory ? Mine is full to overflowing already. That difficulty has been coped with to a certain extent by always putting things like my keyring, billfold, change, pillbox etc. religiously in the same place, always and writing apointments and events coming on my calendar. Some of the rest of it can be thought of as "who cares ?" The deterioration of my long term memory shows up when I reach for a word I have always known -- it just isn't there when I need it. It may pop up on my way home, maybe it shows up like a flashing sign two days later or may be gone beyond recall.

My exercise walks have shortened considerably, the use of oxygen with the irking necessity of handling bottles, tubes and insuring that I take enough along with me to last 'til I return home have slowed me down, figuring out ways to work with pain management as I can no longer take NSAIDs and the prescription pain killers dopewise are to be avoided if possible. So adjusting to the reality of the process of the accumulation of age is a WIP.

Discovering that I am not as hide bound as some old folks, can change my point of view and admit mistakes has been a bonus. Googling my way helps me find answers to many of my questions and lets me discover in many ways that there are two schools of thought -- one is, that there are two schools of thought. Google is a mixed blessing and needs to be closely observed when hunting for information as many of the items shown conflict with others they accompany.

Writing a diary, for me, entails keeping up with the news as well as I can and reading other diaries and journals as much as I have time for as well as closely associating with family (when they have time). Doing that lets me keep in mind the difference between us all and the astounding fact that there is room for all of our opinions as long as they are wrapped in common sense. Humor sometimes helps too.

I seem to like myself more and feel better about things. So I think diarying has been and will be a process in my education from now on. I can't hear worth a damn, can't keep up with others walking and things like that. I accept that, but there is a Journalcon going on and once again I Ain't There . . . . . . . .

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